context of a soul

1. Hand the child over to his mother.
Your kid just got third-degree road rash on his elbow when he wiped out on that tire swing. You, awkward father that you are, are of NO help to him. My son begins to scream out, “MOMMY!” before the skin has even started to break. Mothers are soft, gentle, tender, and reassuring. Fathers are big, clumsy, and retarded, and they usually grab you too hard and in the wrong spot. I tried to soothe my kid once when he got hurt and he was like ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! WHERE IS MY MOTHER? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT THIS SITUATION REQUIRES A REAL PARENT, YOU DICK? Kids will actually cry out, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” if you’re a Dad and you try and soothe them. They’re openly offended by the idea of you trying to help. You repulse them.

So that’s the first and only step. UNLESS the mother isn’t around. In that case, you’re fucked. But you may as well try these extra steps.